Hold Me

The moment came and went silently, no one noticing that we had turned a significant page in the story of our family. No one comprehending that everything had suddenly changed and that life between us would always be just a little bit different. I’m not sure how long it had been before it occurred to me that this monumental moment had passed unnoticed, but when it did I began to search my memory,  trying desperately to find it again so that it could be properly recorded and remembered in the way milestones like this deserve. But no matter how hard I tried I could not find it again, I could not pinpoint the exact minute it happened. Realizing that I had carelessly let this moment slip by made me both sad and angry, upset that I tossed this one event into the pile of other meaningless memories that I had collected through the normal course of the day.

What was this forgotten moment?

It was the last time I ever held Jake.

After years of picking up and holding my little boy in my arms there came a day when I picked him up and then I put him down. I put him down and I never picked him up again.

Let me assure you this wasn’t the result of a thoughtful decision, this was not a day we circled on the calendar. It just happened without thought or plan, without understanding or intention. Believing there would always be another opportunity I simply lowered him to the ground and we moved on to the next stage of our relationship without recognition or fan fare. Last month Jake turned 12, and 12 year olds aren’t much for being held. Even if he wanted me to it has almost become a physical impossibility.  With some effort I can still get him off the ground, but the days of a daddy effortlessly scooping up and holding his little boy came to an end somewhere in our past and, for the life of me, I cannot remember when it happened. Today my little girl turns six and we move even closer to repeating that same sad moment, but we are not there yet.

She still looks up and asks, “Daddy will you hold me?” and knowing how temporary it all is  I have made a commitment to pick her up and hold her for as long as she will let me.

So yes, Elle, I will hold you. I will hold you for as long as I possibly can. Because one day, without either one of us knowing it, I will pick you up, hold you close, and then casually put you down for the last time.

5 thoughts on “Hold Me

  1. Amy Van Vleck says:

    *Sigh….I’ve actually pondered the same occassion…when was the last time I held my youngest child? When was the last time I put her down, never to pick her up again? Sadly, it was too long ago, and like you, it passed without fanfare. Yet I have pondered the day many times. Hold her tight, daddy! While you will forever be in her heart, she cannot forever be in your arms. *Sigh*

  2. paula gillin says:

    She is sooo beautiful! Both of your children are beautiful. I am sol glad God has blessed both you and Leslie with them. They change your world, don’t they?:)

  3. Jamie says:

    Heart-tugging thought.

  4. Rita says:

    So sweet!!! What a great reminder of how quickly life goes by! Cherish every moment.

  5. Randy LeTourneau says:

    My favorite was my children falling asleep while I held them. With my youngest, for 6 months, I wondered if that would be the last time, and cried every time. As mine are now 16-22, I appreciate the stroll down memory lane.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: